


Lets Pretend That Nothing is Awful

by rena50



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, Pining, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 00:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11325291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rena50/pseuds/rena50
Summary: this is kinda fucken gay





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally the first fic ive ever posted and its probably super ooc !! idk if i will even continue it but whatever i guess

“Connor.” A soft yet stern voice dragged him out of his stupor. Connor glanced away from the empty space he had accidentally been focused on instead of his work. He saw his english teacher looming over him.

“Can you see me after class?” Mrs. Jones said, with a disappointed grumble as she returned to her desk and continued her long and boring lecture. Mrs. Jones was definitely by far the nicest teacher Connor has had. She was kind of short and she had brown hair and she always had a smile plastered on her face. Or at least almost always. Connor scanned the room, seeing many equally tired faces. Some scribbling doodles on the margin of their paper, some actually trying to focus but inevitably failing. He then looked up at the clock. Still 30 minutes in this hell hole, great. Connor grabbed his bag and clutched the strap, his knuckles turning white. He got up and trudged out the door, with no intentions of doing anything. He just wanted to be away from that class. As he walked down the school corridors, heading towards the boys bathroom, he just watched the ground. Connor felt his head starting to go fuzzy. 

“Fuck.” Connor said just above a whisper. His high was of course, ending. Perfect. Connor veered left into the boy’s bathroom. It was, luckily, empty. Connor let out a deep sigh as he shut the door behind him. His brain was filled with white noise and his hands started trembling slightly. 'God I need another hit,' he thought to himself. Connor stepped over to the sink. It looked so clean, the white porcelain contrasting Connors dark demeanor. Connor pressed his palms against the surface of the sink, leaning all his weight onto it. He stared in the mirror, his reflection staring back. His eyes always looked angry, Connor hated that about himself. He always looked like a bomb that was about to go off, where if you said the wrong thing he’d just explode. He was sick of everyone walking on eggshells around him. Connor cupped his hands under the faucet and splashed his face with water. The coolness from the water somehow helped with the fuzziness in his brain, it, in a way, pulled him back into reality. He looked back up at himself in the mirror. His now damp face looked back at him, this time with sad eyes, or maybe they were lost eyes. More than anything Connor just wanted a way to feel either real or completely numb. He usually felt numb, but never real. At least, that’s what the pot did, made him feel numb, disconnected. Sometimes he didn’t even remember things. And sometimes he’d yell or even hurt people, but he never remembered. Connor looked around the bathroom, thinking of how to waste time. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone, the cracked glass chipping as he pressed the home button. He’d been in the bathroom for at least 10 minutes already. Wow it felt like no time had passed. I guess time flies when you’re skipping class to dissociate in the school bathroom. Connor figured he should at least go to the rest of class, there can only be like, what 10 minutes left? 

Connor opened the door to his english classroom, all eyes shifting towards him as the door creaked. He tried not to let the staring get to him as he took his seat in the front of the class. He was forced to sit in the front because apparently he “wasn’t paying enough attention” when he was in the back. As if moving to the front would do anything but make him feel worse. Now he felt like everyone was watching him all the time. Like every student's eyes were glued on him, taking note of his flaws and his mistakes. Waiting to use them against him, or to pull a stunt and make him look crazier than he already did. He finally sat down and began picking at his already torn up cuticles. He always did this when he felt on edge, his paranoia was extra bad today. He felt like he was waiting for some disaster to happen. This disaster would probably involve him. It always does.

The rest of the class went pretty uneventfully. Connor got up as the bell rang out and he began walking out the door, but his teacher stopped him. She grabbed his arm, he flinched in return and spun around, about to flip out on whoever thought it was okay to touch him. Until he saw it was Mrs. Jones. 

“Connor. We really need to talk about your participation in this class… I know you are a really smart kid. I can tell.” She said. Connor just scoffed at her.

“Really. Me? Smart? I’m sorry Mrs. Jones but you are quite mistaken.” Connor spoke back, not meaning to put himself down. It just kind of happened.

“Connor- no. Just look, I have seen the way you write. You are a great writer. And you have so much potential. I know that you are going through… things.... But, you could really go somewhere if you would just put forth the effort.” Mrs. Jones was rambling on.

“I do put in the effort.” Connor snapped back.

“No. No you don’t. You hardly focused at all today, Connor. Do you even know what we talked about?”

Connor stayed silent. 

“Right. You didn’t know that I assigned a project today? Even though it’s what i was talking about for the entire class?”

Connor clenched his fist at that. 'Of course I wouldn’t know. Why would she think I would be smart enough to pay attention. Of course I fucked up again, these days it seems that is all I do.' He let out a deep breath and held back his anger.

“No. No I didn’t know.” Connor finally said, quietly, not wanting to show that he was absolutely pissed.

“It is a partner project. So at least you don’t have to do all the work. All you have to do is either come up with a speech or draw a series of pictures explaining any topic of the books that we read this year. Oh- And, Connor, you can always ask me for help. I’m here to help you, and I want to help. There’s also Ms. Davis. So you can talk to either of us.” She said. Not that it helped.

Ms. Davis was Connor’s councillor. She was hardly even much of a councillor though. All she did was tell him how bad he was doing in every class, which really helped him feel better. 

“Is that all?” Connor asked, wanting to leave as soon as possible, tapping his foot impatiently. 

“Um- Well- No. Everyone in class was assigned a partner for the project and you are to work on the assignment with uh... “ She looked at a sheet of paper she was holding. “...Evan Hansen? I think you two will work really good together.” 

Oh. Great. He gets paired up with the cute shy kid. Connor didn’t dislike Evan, actually it was far from it. He just didn’t know him as anything other than ‘That cute kid in English class’. He’s always kind of admired him, I guess. But from afar, not like he has a crush on him or anything, he’s just an overall cute guy. Connor was just worried he would fuck this up too. His thoughts were interrupted by Mrs. Jones handing him a paper.

“Here. These are the details on the assignment.” Mrs. Jones said. Connor groaned. He never did projects but he thought, maybe working with Evan would help him. Just maybe. For a moment the fuzziness went away. His brain felt… Okay. He felt okay, for the first time in a while. Even though it was just a moment, it felt good. Connor had stopped clenching his fists without realizing it.

The rest of the day was too boring for Connor to care, up until 9th period. He had gone to the computer lab during study hall, mostly because he didn’t like being in a crowded room. He sat in the corner, his usual seat, and set his stuff down next to him. Connor had planned on either reading or just sleeping this period. He decided on the latter. He was resting his head on the table when he heard the computer lab door open. He ignored it, probably just a teacher or someone unimportant. He heard the person sit down a few seats away from Connor, this got him to look up. He saw the infamous ‘cute shy kid from english’. Evan. The boy turned and looked at Connor, his eyes shifting all over the room. For some reason it seemed he couldn’t look Connor in the eyes. Evan began picking at the loose plaster on the end of his cast. 

“Hey… Evan, right?” Connor finally said to end the awkward silence. Evan looked surprised at first then he shifted and turned his seat to face Connor.

“Oh- Uh- Yeah thats me. I’m Evan, You’re uh- Connor, Right?” Evan responded, still refusing to look Connor in the eyes, and still fidgeting with his cast. 

“Yeah… we were paired up in english right?”

“Um… Yeah. I mean I can always do the project myself if you don’t want to- uh- work with me. I-I can see why, i-if you don’t want to work with me, I mean.” Evan ended his rambling and furrowed his eyebrows and sighed. 

“Sorry. I- um- ramble a lot.” he added.

“Woah… Evan… I want to work with you, you don’t have to worry… Also you know you can sit closer to me, right?” Connor said. 

“Oh- Uh-” Evan began to move his stuff to the seat right next to Connor. Wow he’s even cuter up close.

“Sorry I- I just like, thought, y’know, you wouldn’t want to sit next to me. I-”

“Ok. Just, slow down.” Connor said, trying to calm Evan down a bit. Evan let out a breath that he didn’t even know he was holding. There was a silence. It was more comfortable than it was awkward though. Connor was just, staring at Evan. Picking up all the little details about him. The faint freckles that covered his nose, they were hard to see but they were there. Or how he tugged on the bottom of his shirt in between sentences. And how he furrowed his eyebrows a lot, like, a lot. It seemed like he had too much on his mind right now. Connor caught himself staring and snapped out of it, shifting his eyes to Evans arm.

“How’d you break it?”

“Wha-”

“Your arm, I mean.”

“Oh- I, um, well, over the summer, I worked in the park… or something like that. And I tried to climb a tree! And uh- here I am!” Evan chuckled nervously, his face slightly turning red.

“You fell out of a tree? That’s just about the saddest thing i’ve ever heard.” Connor said back. Evan just looked at the ground.

“No one signed it yet?” Connor asked. Evan looked down at his arm.

“I’ll sign it.” Connor said.

“Do you have a sharpie?” He added.

Evan began searching his pocket, he knew he had brought a sharpie. He finally found it and kind of shoved it towards Connor, embarrassed that it took him quite a while to find. Connor slid his chair closer to Evan, and grabbed his arm. He may have grabbed his arm a little too rough. Oops.

“Heh, yeah, it is pretty sad. The funny part though. Uh- when I fell, I was laying on the ground and no one ever came for me! Haha!” Evan let out a forced laugh. 

“Yeah, i just. Layed there. Waiting.” Evan said while Connor signed his cast.

“Sorry. I- I’m rambling again.” Evan said. Connor felt pretty fucking bad for this kid. Connor finished signing the cast and looked up at Evan. His eyes were beautiful. They looked hazel. The way the lights from the computer reflected off them...It just about made them glow. Evan finally looked Connor in the eyes, for what seemed like the first time. Connor noticed how red Evans face got. Then he noticed how close they were. Connor’s face flushed, he slid his chair back to its original position. This one moment seemed to all happen so fast. Connor felt alive. Evan just kept shifting in his seat. A few minutes passed, Connor leaned on the desk with one arm, his head resting on his hand, awkwardly brushing his hair away from his face, still red from what had just happened.. 

“So… for this project…” Connor started. Evan looked over in Connor’s direction as he began to speak.

“I was thinking about what book we could do. All the books we read this year kind of sucked.” Connor added.

“I mean, I liked some of them. The uh, shakespeare one, was pretty good…” Evan trailed off looking back at the ground. Connor completely forgot they read Macbeth. That was pretty fucking good. It was like the first book they read, all the way back in september.

“Oh yeah… We could draw portraits of the characters. Or something like that.” Connor suggested. 

“Uh- I’m no good at drawing,” Evan said, almost a little too quickly, almost as if he said it without even breathing.

“I take art. So i could do the drawing, you could do the writing? How does that sound?” Connor asked.

“That sounds- Good! I mean, i-it’s better than a speech, that’s for sure.” Evan replied, forcing a laugh at his comment. Connor was silent. Evan cleared his throat.

“Can I give you my number?” Connor asked.

“Uh-”

“I mean, my phone number, for the project.” Connor clarified.

“OH- uh, Sure! I um, think i have, a paper, you could uh- write it down on…” Evan began searching through his bag.

“Or I could write it on your cast.” Connor recommended. 

“Oh- Um- Of course- uh-” He reached out his arm with the cast and he fiddled with the hem of his shirt with his free hand. Connor moved his chair towards Evan again and held onto his arm. He held near the end of the cast as he scribbled his number right below his previous signature. Connor looked back and examined his writing. He began to let go of the other boy's arm when he accidentally brushed his fingers across Evan’s hand. Connor started blushing again. Alarms in his brain started going off. His mind racing, ‘ohmygodohmygodohmygod,’. Connor backed his chair away again and felt butterflies in his stomach. He felt… So much at this moment. His heart was racing. All for what? A simple hand touch…

...Maybe he did have a crush on Evan.

Evan turned his head away from Connor, then glanced down at his arm. His face was red. 

* * *

About 10 minutes passed until the bell rang. Connor and evan both got up and started packing their stuff, almost in sync. 

“So uh- bye Connor,” Evan said, giving a small awkward wave in Connors direction.

“By Evan…uh text me later?” Connor asked. 

“Of course!” Evan said with a small smile, as they walked out of the computer room together and went their separate ways. Connor thought to himself, 'Today was a pretty good fucking day. And I didn’t even have to stay high all day to get through it'. Connor walked out to the parking lot which was basically flooded with students all rushing to leave school. He located his car, unlocked it, and took a seat in the driver’s seat, the smell of pot practically getting him contact high. He almost immediately took out his phone, waiting for evan to text him. He began to drive with his phone sitting on the center console.

Connor planned on going anywhere but home. He was not about to let his family ruin his good day. His phone buzzed beside him. He glanced at his phone as he was pulling into the parking lot near the old orchard, well, abandoned orchard now. And he checked his phone.

 

Unknown Number: Is this Connor?

Connor: yeah… evan?

Evan: How’d you know it was me?

Connor: its not like a lot of people text me lol

Evan was typing for a while.

Evan: Oh… Not a lot of people text me either. At least now we have each other as friends.

Evan: Sorry was calling us friends too much?

Evan: Oh no you aren’t responding

Evan: I’m sorry

Connor laughed at Evan’s tiny monologue.

Connor: no...its ok to say we are friends, i already thought of us as friends so

Evan: Really?

Connor: i mean, i honestly dont know why you would want to be friends with me but yeah

Evan: What do you mena??

Evan: Mean*

Connor: lol im not exactly the type of person people like

Evan: Well I like you… and I like talking to you... 

Connor felt his face starting to flush. Evan actually likes him? Who’s he kidding he’s probably just saying that to take advantage of him. Or to get to Zoe. Zoe that perfect little girl, no flaws. So much better than the pathetic mess that Connor is. Of course. Why did Connor actually think Evan wanted to be friends with him. He’s probably just doing this to get closer to Zoe. Connor’s phone went off again.

Evan: Shit was that too much again?

Connor: no. sorry i was just distracted.

Connor: are we actually friends

Evan: Yeah… unless you don’t want to be. Which is perfectly understandable.

Connor: no i just cant believe someone is actually talking to me without malicious intentions lol

Connor: or just taking advantage of me to get closer to my sister

Evan: Zoe?

Fuck. Why did Connor mention her. Now the only person who has ever wanted to be friends with him is going to abandon him. Great. Connor cupped his face in his hands. He needed to get high. Connor opened the glove compartment and took out a half smoked joint. He reached further into the glove compartment and picked up a lighter, the joint hanging out of his mouth. He held the lighter under the tip of the joint and curled his other hand around where the flame would soon be. He flicked the spark wheel and flames were born. The flames met the end of the joint and ignited it. Connor took a long drag then blew out the smoke. He checked his phone again as smoke filled the car. He decided to finally reply to Evan.

Connor: yeah. zoe. 

Connor: ya know? I feel like you are just going to use me to get to her. like everyone else. 

Evan: Woah… Connor, im not using you why woul/d i do that i hard;ly even know zoe at all and weve already became friends 

You could tell Evan was typing too fast.

Connor: ok but why would you want to be my friend? im an asshole. everyone knows it. im a no good fucking stoner

Evan: Why are you talking so bad about yourself all of a sudden?

Connor: because i have nothing good to say about myself.

Evan: There are plenty of good things about you Connor.

Connor: wow. id love for you to try to tell me one.

Connor only now realized he was crying. He felt numb again, god he loved feeling numb. He leaned back against his seat and rolled down the window a bit to let the smoke out. He took another drag.

Evan: You are nice

Evan: And you have a nice smile

Connor froze when he read that. Evan thought his smile was nice? He reread the message to make sure he was reading it right and it wasn’t just his high self imagining it.

 

Connor: theres no way you actually mean that. And please explain how im nice

Evan: Well, you’re the only one who has ever put any effort into getting to know me.

Evan: And you don’t make fun of me when i stutter or when my anxiety acts up.

Evan: You know… you aren’t alone with things like this… i feel like you do too. I feel like im nothing sometimes. And i feel like… i don’t know… i feel like alone? I guess? I’m not the best at wording this kind of stuff sorry. But, i know how you feel.

Evan: Not that i’m assuming what i’m going through is worse than what you are going through! I just, i don’t know, sometimes when i feel alone all i want is to know that someone else is going through the same stuff i am, then i feel a little bit less alone.

Connor set his phone face down next to him. That whole rant Evan just went on was almost enough to sober him up. The butterflies were back. Maybe it was just the pot talking but Connor felt like he actually had someone who was there for him. 

Evan: This happens a lot actually…

Connor: i,

Connor: thank you evan

Connor: this,, really means a lot. you have no idea

Evan: Well. I’m really glad I could help.

Evan: :)

God he’s so cute. 'Funny how a simple smiley face over text message was enough to make me a flustered mess', he laughed to himself. Connor threw the joint along with the lighter back in the glove compartment. Even though Evan seemed like he genuinely wanted to be friends with Connor, he couldn’t shake this feeling that this was all just some ruse. Nothing more than a joke. A prank so he flips out and everyone can laugh at the crazy kid. Real fucking funny.

Evan: Also, how are we going to work on the project? Since Mrs. Jones said we can’t work on it in class, do you maybe want to come over on friday? After school? My mom will still be at work so we won’t bother her any.

Connor’s heart skipped a beat at the thought of going to Evan’s house. It was already Thursday. He stared at the phone, thinking of how to respond.

Connor: uh sure

Evan: You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Connor: no i want to lol, friday it is?

Evan: At 3:00 :)

There’s that damn smiley face again. Connor checked the time on his phone. It was already 5:00. He’d been here for 2 hours? Again, time flew. Connor started up his car again and began to finally drive home.

* * *

Connor pulled into the driveway, suddenly feeling the fuzziness creep back into his brain, and the white noise filled his ears again. He didn’t feel numb but he felt nowhere near real. He was somewhere in between. It wasn’t good.

Connor stepped towards the front door, reaching toward the knob. Then he heard his dad yelling. He jerked his hand back slightly before sighing and finally opening the door. The white noise was louder now. He could sense a fight already. Fighting is just so common in his house. Even over the stupidest things like who finished the milk. Connor walked through the wooden frame and instantly turned to head for the stairs

“Connor?” He heard his mom ask. Connor turned back toward the kitchen where her voice came from. Also where his dad probably was. Connor didn’t notice how hard his fists were clenched until he looked down and saw his bruised knuckles losing color. He began walking toward the kitchen.

“Uh, Yeah?” Connor asked.

“Where were you… it’s getting late.” Cynthia asked, kind of worried.

“He was probably smoking.” Larry pitched in.

“Yeah. Actually. I was. Do you have a problem with that?” Connor said, trying his best to not explode. This is what he was talking about. He’s a bomb.

“Yeah. Actually. I do have a problem with that Connor. All you do is smoke! Why can’t you just be more like your sister.” The statement came out as more of a prayer than anything. Connor could feel his hands twitch. His breath was shaky and he felt his whole body become tense. Oh no not again. Connor stormed away before he did something he’d regret. He stomped upstairs and to his room, slamming his door a little too loud. He locked his door behind him. Then he slid down the back of the door until he was sitting down. He hugged his knees and felt the tears begin to fall, almost hurting because the cold tears contrasted his face which was so flushed. Not in a good way this time. He took out his phone. He didn’t know if he wanted to throw it or check it or if he just wanted it away from him. Somehow he wanted to do all of them. He rose to his feet, tears still excessively falling. He began pacing, unsure of what to do. Eventually he just tired himself and he almost passed out, he laid down in his bed and just tried to fall asleep. Even though it was near impossible with the fuzziness now overcrowding his brain. He truly felt numb now, not the way he wanted to feel numb though. He felt like he wasn’t human. 'Why can’t you be more like your sister?' His dad’s voice rang through his head. Why does everyone want him to change. 'Oh yeah because all I am is a mentally unstable fucking stoner'. Fuck he was crying even harder. His sobs drowned out the sound of his phone buzzing repeatedly. He was wrong, he didn’t feel numb. He felt empty. He didn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be anywhere. 'I just wish I was fucking normal,'. That was his last thought before he finally drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Connor woke up dizzy and unsteady as he lifted his head from the beat up pillow. He checked the alarm clock on his nightstand. 5:42. Almost time for him to get up anyways. He got a lot of sleep but still felt tired. He just stared at the ground. He saw his phone where he had left it the night before. He got up to grab it then he sat back down on his bed. Connor felt his face heat up when he saw how much Evan had texted him. There were even a few missed calls. He opened his phone and began reading through them.

Evan: So you are coming over tomorrow?

Evan: Connor?

Evan: Did I say something wrong?

Evan: Shit im sorry

Evan: Connor please answer 

Missed call from Evan

Evan: Are we still friends?

Missed call from Evan

Evan: PLease Connor ?

Evan: …

Evan: Do you only talk to me because no one else will.

Evan: THat Came out Wrong. I mean like, would it matter if i was anyone else, could i have been anyone else? Im sorry. I just, i worry too much. Im always worried anyone i even get kind of close to will just leave me

Evan: its just what always happens

Connor noticed the lack of capital letters. Evan was really worried. Connor’s heart sank a bit at those last 3 messages. 'God i’m such a fucking asshole. Look I made this poor kid freak out just because I was acting to selfish to check my phone. Nice fucking going Connor'. He didn’t even know how to respond to the messages. This was a lot to hear all at once. And once again his brain started feeling fuzzy. 

Connor: sorry i was just… having a bad night

He was surprised to see the message get opened so quickly.

Evan: Connor ! I was really worried about you and I started to panic i’m sorry about what i said to you I just say things i don’t mean sometimes when i get that way and i just was really worried that you didn’t like me anymore or that you found a replacement or that you just never actually cared about me.

Evan: Sorry im doing it again.

He definitely meant it connor, he never actually wanted to be around you.

Connor pushed away his intrusive thoughts.

Connor: its fine ev. I get it.

Evan: Ev?

Connor: is it ok if i call you that?

Evan: Oh yeah. I like it

Connor: thats good then

Connor: its cute, it fits you

Connor: :)

How the tables have turned. Connor thought to himself as he typed out that last message. He had strange a feeling today might be at least a bit better than yesterday was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhh trigger warning for suicidal thoughts ? i guess and there is some blood,,, yeah,,

Connor craned his neck, staring at his car’s roof before closing his eyes for a second to recollect himself. He was parked about a block or two away from school, his car sitting idly while he decided to get high. When Connor smoked it’s like his body takes control. Like his brain shuts down. It goes numb while his body keeps going on, hurting people, acting out. He almost always got hypersensitive during his highs. Connor exhaled, letting the second hand smoke pollute his surroundings. The radio was soft, just some background noise to combat what was going on in his head. He leaned forward and turned it up. The beat from the song filling his ears. The beginning of the lyrics were talking about a kid who couldn’t control himself and ended up destroying everything. Right. Sounds familiar. Connor finished his smoke and drove the rest of the way to school. _‘Would anyone notice if you crashed right here? How long would it take for someone to realize you were missing’_. Connor just brushed off the intrusive thoughts, but they always lingered.

As he pulled into the parking lot, he noticed all the kids sitting in the school foyer just chatting with their friends. Enjoying themselves. Connor parked and dragged himself out of his seat. He noticed the newly planted tree in the front of the large building. Or maybe it had always been there and just went unnoticed until now. The tree was small but the leaves were still hanging onto their branches, hanging on against the wind. Against everything. It was strong, holding on even though it had been through so much.  
As Connor approached the doors, he started hearing all the voices coming from the inside. The mindless gossip sounded like pounding drums against his head. He shook off the pain and stepped into the school. The beginning of the day was always the worst part. Everyone was so loud and it made him kind of want to sink into the walls, to be unnoticed. To be not on edge all the time. He had always felt that way. At least until he saw Evan walking down the hall. Evan was, of course, still looking cute as ever. But someone was walking right next to him… ‘Fuck,’ was all Connor thought when he realized who that person was. _‘Jared fucking kleinman’_. Jared was practically known for being an absolute asshole. At least to Connor. Jared had called him a freak on like the first day of school. Plus from what he heard he wasn’t even that nice to Evan. Why do they hang out again? Connor caught himself staring. And just started walking the opposite direction. At least until he heard Jared open his mouth.

“Hey Connor!”

Connor froze. He saw Evan start to back away.

“Lovin’ the new hair length! Very _school shooter chic!_ ” Jared teased in an annoyingly cheery voice.  
Connor could not deal with this shit right now. He felt his jaw clench almost on its own

“I was just kidding. It was a _joke,_ ” He for some reason felt the need to add. Connor felt his blood begin to boil. It seemed like it all rushed to his brain at once. He grabbed the strap to his bag as hard as he could, turning on one foot and starting to storm away, leaving everyone behind. Walking back to the oh so familiar boys bathroom where he almost always had his breakdowns after things like these. _‘He’s right you know, you need to learn how to take a fucking joke, stop being so damn sensitive Connor,’_ Connor tried his best to choke back the tears. _‘All you are is an oversensitive freak. A pathetic fucking waste of space. No one actually likes you Connor, it’d be easier if you just accepted it as it is,’_ Connor wiped a tear that escaped. He was breathing so heavy he felt like he was going to go unconscious. He had let his mind get carried away again. Why couldn’t he just learn to control himself? The weed wasn’t helping. Not this time at least. Once he got through the bathroom doorway he snapped. He pulled out his phone and brought up his conversation with Evan.

**Connor:** why are you friends with him

His hand tightened around his cell phone as he reread the message over and over, letting tears drip down onto the already shattered screen. Hardly a moment passed before he launched it at the wall. His hands were balled into fists and couldn’t seem to return to normal as he watched his phone fall to the ground with a loud ‘thunk’. He pulled his arm back and swung as hard as he could at the cold tiles on the wall. Connor had lost himself. He continued punching until he couldn’t even feel his hand anymore, his eyes then drifting to the new cuts and bruises that littered his knuckles, then to the fresh stain of blood on the wall. Connor stepped back slowly, noticing all the damage he did. Connor’s face was beat red and he was near the point of hyperventilating, his chest was heaving and his brain was so noisy that his vision was beginning to go fuzzy. He turned his whole body and faced the sink, observing himself in the mirror. ‘That fucking sink.’ Connor felt like it was taunting him. The sink was so clean while he was a mess. _‘Are you really comparing yourself to a sink right now, Connor? That’s pretty pathetic,’_ Connor looked at his reflection, noticing his puffy eyes and rough face, _‘You really are the monster that everyone thinks you are,’_. Connor’s brain felt like it was going to burst. 

* * *

“Hello?” A soft voice spoke, “Robert said he overheard someone crying in the boys bathroom, are you still in here?”  
Connor got up from the ground, despite not even remembering how he got to that spot and he rushed into the nearest stall and slammed the door behind him, sliding the rusted lock into it’s place.

“You know you’re missing class, right?” The voice continued.

Connor realized who it was.

“Alana what the fuck are you doing in the boys bathroom?” Connor spoke, trying to not show he was still crying.

“Connor? We have lab this period, what are you doing? Are you okay?”

“I’m not going to lab.”

“What? Why not? Who else is going to work with me?” 

“Guess you’ll have to fend for yourself.” Connor heard footsteps walk closer to the stall door.

“Can you open the door?” Alana asked.

“Nope.” 

“Connor. We have been close acquaintances all year! You can trust me.” She said almost with an audible smile.

“Close acquaintances?” 

“Yeah! So open up the door so we can talk!” She sounded so happy despite the circumstances.

“...fine.” Connor reluctantly agreed to open the door and he stepped out, seeing Alana standing there with a toothy grin, looking up at him. She glanced at his hand

“Connor! what did you do to your hand?” She asked, her eyes filled with worry as she lifted his arm to further examine the wounds.

“What does it look like.” Connor said, nodding towards the small patch of blood that now tainted the used-to-be-perfect wall. Alana looked back to where the stain was.

“Don’t worry Connor! I have the perfect thing to help you!” She took off her bag and started rummaging through the front pocket. She pulled out a bandage. How did she always act so goddamn happy all the time, Connor wondered. So stoic and cheerful. It’s like nothing could tear her down. Alana reached out to grab Connor’s arm.

“DON’T TOUCH ME.” Connor suddenly shouted. Alana’s face no longer had that counterfeit smile. Her brows were furrowed and her eyes narrowed. 

“Let me help you.” She said reaching for his arm once again.

“HOW DO YOU ACT SO FUCKING HAPPY ALL THE TIME. I JUST DON’T GET IT.” Connor blurted out. Alana stepped back a bit, her eyes went wide as if they were taking in what she had just heard.

“You don’t know me. You don’t get to say that.” Alana claimed, “I was just trying to help you.”

Connor looked down at his feet.

“I-” he started, then paused and did a quick glance around the room, his eyes shifting everywhere but to Alana, “Thank you. For uh- helping me.” As he spoke he returned his gaze back to his boots.

“I’ve just- ugh. I have a lot on my mind y’know?”

“I do too I just decide to be nice and not a total jerk about it.” 

Connor winced. _‘She’s right Connor, you are such jerk. All you do is hurt people’._

“Let’s just go back to class, we’re going to miss the entire write up if we stay here.” Alana added. She wouldn’t look him in the eyes. Connor gave a slight nod.

* * *

Connor entered the science room right after Alana. They missed almost half the class. Most of the other students were too caught up with their experiments or write ups to notice the two walking in. 

“Why are you two so late?” The science teacher stormed over to Connor and Alana. Connor didn’t care enough to come up with an excuse.

“I’m sorry Mr. Clark! I was talking to my teacher about possible extra credit for trig! You know, my grade just dropped slightly because I was too busy to study for our last test and I wanted to keep my grades in tip-top shape! And Connor was finishing up a test in the same room so we decided to walk here together!” Alana explained, using different hand motions to make it seem more believable. The teacher grumbled and peeked at the clock.

“I won’t mark you as late this time, just do not let it happen again.” Mr. Clark said, emphasizing the word ‘not’. Alana and Connor walked to their desk in the back.

“You know I don’t even take trig, right?” Connor tried to start a conversation.

“Yep. He believed it though.” Alana said while searching for her papers for the current lab they were working on. Connor could tell she was still mad. She wouldn’t look at him and didn’t even try to smile. ‘Oh look Connor! You fucked this up too!’ 

“I’m sorry.” Connor blurted out.

“It’s okay… I’m used to it.” Alana said, trailing off at the end.

_‘Why can’t you try and not fuck up at least one friendship, Connor?’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UM sorry for all the seemingly random names my friends decided they wanted to be background characters, so,  
> Also!! i finally learned how to _italicize_ things sorry im still learning how to use this site lol


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